I skipped work to stalk him.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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