It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
