Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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