i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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