my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
