god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
