my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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