She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
