if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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