I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
