Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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