I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
