I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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