I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
