Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
