he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
