Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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