1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
