Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
