Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
