Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
