Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
