I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
