the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
