It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
