so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
