i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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