my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
