I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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