Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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