Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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