What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
