I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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