Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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