I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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