If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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