What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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