im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
