If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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