I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
