New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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