You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ketchup is God's man juice
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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