you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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