Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
