I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
