she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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