i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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