I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
