Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So much rum. So many feels.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
