is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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