The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
