Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Two words: nipple clamps
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