I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
