YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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