I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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